Letting Go
by amy1oM
Summary: If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with." Anonymous, Season 4 Journey's End spoilers


**Letting Go**

**By** Lomeinie ( 2cbetter lomeinie )

**Rating:** PG

**Spoilers: **Journey's End

**Summary:** "If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with." Anonymous

**Author's Note: **Yeah I know just about everyone is writing post Journey's End fics but I had to cast in my 0.02 worth too because it's the only way for me to come to terms with some of the episodes events.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Doctor Who or any of its characters or storylines since it belongs to the BBC and I've made no off of this story. I ask to not be sued.

**Beta(s): **Special thanks to torneledhwen with some Britpicking and runriggers

**Author's Note: **A good bit of the dialogue in the following is taken straight from Season 4 finale _Journey's End_ as written by Russell T Davies.

0o0

I.

You can't help but notice how quickly the TARDIS empties the moment you've set her down in London. You watch Sarah Jane dash out the door. Your goodbye with her isn't long and drawn out, as she's anxious to return to her son. You watch her go, making a mental note to visit her in the near future because you want to meet her son and find out how he came to be in her life.

You watch Jack and Martha leave next, not surprised they'd also leave in a hurry. You know Jack has his team to get back to and you can only assume Martha's going to find her fiancé. The surprise comes when Mickey tells you he's not returning to the other universe. You listen as he tells you that his gran died in that universe and now he has no reason to go back. You want to say he could go back for Rose but then you hear him say that he doesn't even have her as a reason to go back. You understood then that he'd realized a long time ago he'd lost her when you came into her life.

You ask Mickey what he'll do and you smile when he says, "Anything I want. Brand new life. Just you watch." You watch him hurry to catch up with Martha and Jack with the former complaining playfully, "I thought I got rid of you."

You turn away from your retreating friends to look at the TARDIS. The smile on your face starts to fade. You turn away from your retreating friends to look at the TARDIS. The smile on your face starts to disappear. You've dreaded what's coming next since you saw Rose standing at the other end of that street. You dread it but you also know it is something you cannot avoid, because the creation of your human counterpart has convinced you that there's only one possible path left to be taken. You re-enter the TARDIS making your way straight over to the console where everyone left is waiting for you. You declare that it is time for one last trip to Darlig Ulv Stranden. You find it ironic that the name of the forsaken beach where Rose's heart and both of yours were shattered into a million pieces now rolls off your tongue with such ease.

The entire time you're inputting the coordinates you are also fighting the temptation to take the TARDIS into the vortex to let her drift there while you go into hiding away from the others with Rose, and _show_ her how much you love her. To you the temptation is almost more than you can keep resisting, especially after you chance another look at her beautiful, beloved face. When you feel the TARDIS land at Darlig Ulv Stranden you silently thank Rassilon for this because you know, given just one more minute with her you would have acted upon your desires.

You set foot on the beach in time to hear Jackie complaining about being there again and saying she's going to phone Pete. You're glad to hear that nothing sinister has happened to him as you might have supposed when he didn't show up with Jackie. You then listen to Jackie as she asks your human double if he remembers that she was pregnant the last time you were all on this beach. She says she had a baby boy and your double asks about what they called him. You are pretty certain Jackie is being facetious when she answers him with "Doctor".

You listen as your double who has the total sum of your knowledge naively asks, "Really?"

To which you hear Jackie reply, "No, you plum. He's called Tony!"

You've been listening to those two go at it but your eyes have never left Rose. You know you have to drink in the sight of her for as long as you can, because in moments she'll be lost to you again; lost for all eternity.

Rose finally asks, "Hold on, this is the parallel universe, right?"

Once more you hope you won't let the mask hiding your agony slip while you answer her, "You're back home." You feel such gratitude towards Donna when she steps to explain that the walls between the two universes are closing again.

You see the tears and puzzlement in Rose's eyes when she says, "No, but I spent all that time trying to find you. I'm not going back now!"

You take a step towards her, your hearts clenching so painfully in your chest as you reply, "You've got to because we saved the universe but at a cost. And that cost is him." You look at your double. "He destroyed the Daleks. He committed genocide. He's too dangerous to be left on his own."

Confusion with a touch of anger crosses your double's face as he says, "You made me!"

"Exactly," you reply to him, "you were born in battle, full of anger and revenge." You look at Rose again. "Remind you of someone?" From the look on her face you know she understands you are referring to your ninth self. Her first Doctor. "That's me when we first met." The tears well afresh in her eyes at this. "And you made me better. And now you can do the same for him."

You can't help but see the hurt, frustration, and confusion swimming beneath the tears in Rose's eyes. Her voice is so quiet when she says, "But he's not you."

The words that leave your mouth next are some of the most painful but truthful words you've ever spoken in your life. "He needs you. That's very me."

You were grateful once again when Donna adds, "But it better than that, though. Don't you see what he's trying to give you?" She prompts your double, "Tell her. Go on."

You watch Rose face the other you as he says, "I look like him and I think like him. I have the same memories, same thoughts, same everything except I've only got one heart."

"Which means?"

"I'm part human, specifically the aging part. I'll grow old and never regenerate. I've only got one life, Rose Tyler. . ." You notice the nervous pause your double gives here and you see the lingering look that is passing between them. "I could spend it with you. If you want."

Uncertain, Rose asks, "You'll grow old at the same time as me?"

"Together."

Once more your hearts clench tightly at the one worded answer. The constriction on them getting even more impossibly tight when you see Rose lay her hand on your double's chest to feel his single heart beating beneath. You do the only thing you can do in response; putting a small smile on your face. You will not let anyone know how painful this really is for you.

But, oh Rassilon, how this _hurts_.

You hear a grinding noise emanating from the TARDIS and you silently bless the old girl sending her a pulse of gratitude as she's given you your excuse to get out of here. "We gotta go. This reality's sealing itself off." You try not to see the tear that rolls down Rose's cheek. "Forever."

With that you turn and start walking towards the TARDIS. You don't make it inside however as Rose's voice stops you. "But it's still not right." You face her once more as she adds exasperated, "Because the Doctor's... still you."

You nod towards the human you as an indication, "And I'm him." But you know very well Rose isn't just going to drop it there, nor is she satisfied with that glib answer.

"All right," she says, "both of you, answer me this," You're now standing the opposite from your double while she says, "When I last stood on this beach on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?" She looks you directly in the eye, "Go on, say it."

There was a lump in your throat as you answer, "I said, 'Rose Tyler.'" You swallow the rest of that sentence because you know if you say it now your resolve will crumble, and you know you must fight it to keep it from doing so. You know Rose wants to come with you. You know she wants to be with you again and live the carefree and reckless life you once shared with her. The trouble is you want her by your side again. You want it more than anything else you've ever wanted in your long life in the universe. But you also know that you can never allow it to be because you know you can't keep her safe. You once promised Jackie - so long time ago that you'd keep her safe, and the only way you know to fulfill that promise is by letting Rose go now for all time.

"Yeah, and how was that sentence going to end?" Rose asks, prompting you.

I love you. Oh Rassilon, help me but I love you, Rose Tyler. The very words she longs to hear run through your head a split second before you answer her aloud, "Does it need saying?"

She looks at you for just a moment before turning to your double, "And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?" You watch as your double lays his hand on her arm before he leans down to whisper the words in her ear that you will not allow yourself to say aloud to her.

It doesn't take long for Rose's actions to confirm your suspicions about what your double must have said when he whispered in her ear. You know what he said because she pulls him back to her, snogging him senseless in the process. You feel a rush of jealousy as you remember quite well what it feels like to have Rose Tyler's mouth pressed against yours. You finally turn and walk to the TARDIS after it looks like she might devour _him_ with her lips. While you input the coordinates to take you and Donna home, you think you didn't know it was possible to be so jealous of yourself. You are also startled when you realize that besides being nearly green with jealousy you're also very nearly shaking with fury at your double. You calm yourself by breathing in deeply, and remembering that you're being ridiculous. Rose will now have the life she deserves with the man she loves even if that man isn't you. And she'll be safe which is all you really want, _really _need for her.

**Fin**... for now


End file.
